I am sorry…

It was an ordinary day. It started as ever with the lectures at the university, continued at my job place, then turned into a brief shopping and dinner with the family. In the evening I was going out to see the friends.

I got on the bus #24 and took a seat in the back row. Listening to the music and being plunged into my thoughts I was not noticing anything around unless my sight stumbled on a married couple sitting in front of me. The way they were talking, laughing and tenderly looking at each other made me smile. You can’t really say it is natural for a couple at the age of around 55. Soon after I recognized the parents of my former classmate in that couple. I froze. Oh man.. the memory quickly took me 14 years back to our small classroom.

A thin and modest boy sitting next to me is D. I will meet his parents in 14 years in the bus #24. We are not friends and have never been and will never become them. The teacher just decided us to sit together, alright – not a big deal.

My birthday was coming and my friends were already notified of the time and place where and when that was going to be celebrated. D was not among them. But he knew that something was going on. Well, one can never avoid these, you know, kind of pre-birthday rumours so that in the end everybody at school knows who, when and where was going to be born… for the eighth time. Yea, that year I was turning 8 years old. A sincere boy D decided that if he had not been invited he had to do something about it: “Please invite me to come to your birthday party.” – he came straight up to me, “I will bring a very big gift for you”. Oh boy… To me it sounded so weird and impolite that I immediately blurted out a sharp “no”. Being puzzled and frustrated a girl at the age of almost 8 told him that she could not invite him for a very serious reason.

Needless to say, there was no reason. I just did not want him to come. And I did not really care about his feelings and wishes. And when later at home my mom tried to expalin that it was not a right thing to do and I needed to immediately rule it out, I still was not getting why. And he could probably see it when the next day I came up to him saying that he could come if he wished it so much…

On the long-expected day all the invited boys with bow ties and girls in bright dresses gathered in our house. Everyone was there. Everyone, except D. Yea, he did not come. Indeed, I did not invite him (at least the way I did it with others), and he never came.

Many years passed, many things remained in the past. I changed upside down. Everyone knows, that my doors now are always open for everyone who wants to visit me on my birthday or any other day. And I am absolutely sure that D does not remember that case. But I do.
And when I sometimes randomly see him I always want to somehow tell him that I am sorry.. He does not even know what for.

They say that most importantly is to accept your mistakes. Well, maybe it is. But does it make us feel better? I am not sure.

It was time to get off the bus. I came up to D’s parents to say hi and that I had covered their bus fares. And you know, I wanted so much to say something else, but did not mange to define what exactly.



Filed under Thoughts Aloud

11 responses to “I am sorry…

  1. Tatev

    Vika,,, ur article did made me excited,,, I remembered a case, when I was just in the same state as u were, and now every time i remember it, I feel sorry for not having the chance to apologize ever,,,, it’s the worst thing, to have a great “sorry” in ur heart, and have no chance to express it,,,
    I loved ur article!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. thank you Tat jan for your comment and honesty.

  3. Nazani

    Nik jan I like your style of writing. particularly this story is very exciting!!!!!!!!!! I think each of us should be able to say “sorry”, especially at the very right moment.

  4. I understand you so well, because something like that happened to me today. I laughed at one guy and saw how he embarrassed and felt confused and I felt very bad, but… Sometimes we understand that we did something wrong we need just say sorry man, but… This but is killing us. Someone inside of us tells us “Don’t be silly”, “Where is your pride?”, “You did it right” and so on, he can find thousands of other reasons, he have answers to all question, but none of them satisfy us… I excited with your story, and it remembered me Elton John’s amazing song “Sorry seems to be the hardest word”.
    I think you should take it easy :), but so many years have been passed and you still remember it… Telling the truth I also have one unforgotten story 😉

  5. @Nazani: thank you dear for your comment. your words guys encourage me for writing. definately, this is very important to be ontime.
    @Geras: thanks for all of your comments. i guess everyone has that kind of “worm” sitting deep in our memories. and yes, maybe in some cases we have to take it easy, but on the other hand, that approach usually gives a push for more mistakes.
    in the case i’ve described above, i never thought about pride or something else, nothin stops me to say sorry, the problem is that as Nazani mentioned the right time for that sorry has passed many years ago. But as another friend of mine wrote in the comments to this post on FB, every single mstake teaches us, and i do feel and do realize how much i obtained from it. (it is very important)

  6. )) ну и вспомнила)
    …много, много лет тому назад, приближалось день рождение одной девочки, неделю до этого уже весь класс, знал об этом, через несколько дней она в классе стала приглашать ребят на именины… верно) меня почему-то обошла) я подумал что это недоразумение)) спустя день она позвонила ко мне домой, Чего можно было ждать?) …она спрашивала номер одного мальчика из нашего класса, кто в этот день отсутствовал) …я не унимался) спросил может я смогу чем нибудь помочь – ответ был шикарным)) – да нет просто хочу пригласить его на мой день рождение)))
    …даа сколько сладостных воспоминаний ты заставила вспомнить) (извини что на ты, но не умею форнальничить)

    …в другой раз, тоже давным давно, на одной детской вечеринке, я неосознанно обидел одну девочку перед всеми

    …прошли года, первый случай забылся очень скоро, с этой девушкой я дружу до сих пор) – искренне без остатков)
    …второй случай периодично время от времени всплывал и довольно долгое время – найти ее было практический нереальным, оставались лишь воспоминания и я)

    П.С. когда происходит что-то несправедливое, по твоему мнению, с тобой – забыть намного легче, чем когда эта несправедливость совершается тобой, по отношению к кому-то другому
    так вот зачем я гружу вас всей этой ерундой – ничего не измениться -ни камень на душе не спадет, ни воспоминания сотрутся, ни совесть вас оставит – пока… пока вы не простите сами себя. Я этого момента, имеет очень мало общего с вчерашним Я, но действия вчерашнего напрямую влияют на Сегодняшнего – а так как, этот вчерашний уже не вы Сегодняшний… как уже было отмечено ”несправедливость по отношению к нам, намного легче забыть” простите его в вас, и свет вновь воцарится в вашей душе)

  7. прям так откровенно и сказала? да, действительно шикарно.. 🙂
    спасибо большое за комментарий, мне было очень интересно прочитать не только два случая, но и вашу трактовку и взаимосвязь между ними.
    это буквально то, что я сказала минут 30 назад, что причинённую нам боль гораздо проще и легче и быстрее забыть/простить, но свои грехи мучают нас всю жизнь.
    мне только что рассказали как много лет назад в какой-то советской школе дети решили подшутить над учителем и обмазали его стул чернилами. Когда учитель сел на стул и осознал, что испачкал брюки, он ни на секунду не подумал о том, что это могли сделать дети – его ученики. он с досадой обратился к классу: как жаль, что так получилось, этот костюм мне подарила моя жена (и класс хорошо знал, что жены его к тому времени уже год как не было в живых). многие тогда расплакались. этот случай воспитал детей возможно больше чем все уроки в течение всех 10 лет.
    мне вот только что рассказали его, и он настолько повлиял на меня, что я вот решила поделиться.
    спасибо ещё раз за вашу историю.

  8. Shousha

    U Nikogo ochen krasivie I pravilnie misli…glotala komment..I ya tak soskuchilas po moey dushe po imeni Koko..I pochemu ti takaya xiroshaya?!

  9. Shushik moy rodnoy! Ura, ti zdes’ 🙂 spasibo, chto ti zdes’ 🙂
    da verno kommentariy Nikto kak budto ne kommentariy a drugoy post na etu je temu.

  10. Exactly! It is hard to say sorry at the right time… And when we miss that time sorry lose its value… Without mistakes life will be boring, and we will not have so beautiful stories 🙂

  11. )) точно, на мои ошибки вот можно снять целый сериал)

    @Veronika: без утайки и преувеличения) и прошу прошения если вышел за рамки этикета гостя)

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